A bold harvestman on the inn wall in Erbach. The body length is about one centimetre and the long, spindly legs stretch out to a diameter of nearly 10 cm. These arachnids are not spiders, having neither silk nor venom glands, but belong to the order Opiliones and are also known as Phalangids or daddy-long-legs (confusingly, there is also a family of true spiders, Pholcidae, likewise christened daddy-long-legs – examples of these spiders can be seen by their messy webs in many unkempt corners).
The name 'harvestman' stems from the animals' perceived abundance in the autumn months, while 'Opilio' is Latin for 'shepherd', hailing back to peculiar ancient husbandry methods where grizzled woolclad men stood on stilts, the better perhaps to look out for wives worried that their mountain men are turning to shorn ewes for satisfaction wolves and marauding wild ducks. Like their human counterparts, opilionids are bloodthirsty little things, feeding on fellow arachnids, snails and other spineless comrades, although they are also known to consume some vegetable matter, a rare phenomenon in a predominantly carnivorous order. And unlike spiders, which can only swallow ingest liquid food (which is digested or liquefied externally by the venom), opilionids take solid food.
I read that these critters' legs will twitch for up to an hour if detached, but decided against testing this observation in a momentary fit of unexplainable ducky benevolence as these creatures, when disturbed, produce a stinky fluid from organs that are appropriately named repugnatorial glands. The little beasts already do a good enough job tearing off each others' legs at contests (usually held at popular tree stumps or mossy knolls) where males of certain species strut and engage in gladiatorial battles to win the physical affections of gathered females.
Now, the more interesting part. As an order, arachnids have really appalling sex lives. Their distant cousins the hexapods, practise decent enough doggy-style positions, with ladybugs taking it to the limit in hours-long sessions that would leave my duck dead and dry. Some even have orgies.
Arachnids, sadly, are disgustingly (in all senses of the word) coy in their love-making, if you can call it that at all. For instance: despite the reputation of Scorpios for being sex-crazed love-making machines, scorpions can't even bear to touch each others' intimate regions – the male simply jerks off a clod of sperm onto the hard, dry ground and the female then walks over the wet patch and somehow absorbs the gunk into her genitals. If naked apes were to adopt this method, the act would look rather scatological, though I hear this does turn on some.
Scorpions have midget cousins, the pseudoscorpions, which are mite-sized creepy crawlies that lack a stinging tail and sometimes appear in bathrooms. These creatures also practise pseudo-sex. Ditto whipscorpions (Uropygi) and whipspiders (Amblypygi) for all their duckcock-teasing suggestions of S&M kinkiness.
True spiders (Araneae) and sun spiders (Solifugae) have pedipalps, which are appendages on the anterior side of their head that have evolved into claw-like organs. Too pleased with these 'handy' tools for their own good, male spiders wank off into the palps and thereafter insert the palp into the female's opening. For good measure, the palp may break off and serve to block other males from giving the lady a further hand-job. Just imagine how it would be like this method were to catch on with naked apes, who already display a fondness for positions copied from the animal kingdom. To be fair, male spiders tread a narrow thread, for he has only one chance to impregnate the female before she decides to toast him, and thus it wouldn't do to waste time waiting for the big-O whilst she eagerly attempts to be a black widow. But still, the experience must pale beside that of mantids, where the female may bite off the head of her lover and eat him alive, even while his mojo continues to pump juice into her. In fact, getting his head off helps him to get off better, as certain neurological inhibitions are removed, the better to prolong the final thrusts.
In the world of arachnids, hence, opilionids bear the distinction of being rare and proud owners of penises, which come in all sizes and shapes: from short, membranous and undivided, to long, chitinous and divided into trunk and glans. They may be muscular or hydraulically operated, allowing the male to achieve direct penetration and presumably a satisfying creampie. This site has a picture of a pair of opilionids lost in orgasmic thrall and this paper has a diagram showing a rogue's gallery of opilionid genitalia, and clearly, the guys can be told apart by their ducks dicks. That said, one neotropical opilionid makes up for his tribe's inordinate pleasure by being the only arachnid known to exhibit male parental care. It's just a little disappointing that for all their phallic prowess, no creature has yet to match the glorious priapic exuberance (which also includes practices such as gang rape and necrophilia – see this post on the return of an extinct pochard) of a certain bird close to my heart. But oh, what the *uck!
Offline sources:
Cracraft, Joe & Donoghue, Michael J. (eds.), "Assembling the Tree of Life". Oxford University Press, 2004.
Hill, D.S., et al, "Insects of Hong Kong". Hong Kong University Press, 1982.
McGavin, George C., "Insects, Spiders and other Terrestrial Arthropods". Dorling Kindersley Limited, 2000.
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